Over Thinking

Malam-malam penuh mimpi buruk. Kebohongan. Kepercayaan pada orang lain yang dibuang ke tempat sampah. Tangisan. Worth it? Gue nggak normal. Gue nggak bisa lagi hidup normal.. Terus siapa cewek ini? Gue nggak ingin ketemu siapa-siapa lagi.. Gue nggak mau ingin mati seperti ini lagi..
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Do you know? Or is it just a mistery that we'll never know until our last breath? Or is it just like this, feeling empty, guilty, and livin' with the o-hell people like this? Like those persons arounds me? Is it just like this, God?
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It's always night in my head. I reach my pillow. Hide from the dark sky. And the flashback starts.. So then I died and become the devil itself.
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Gue pernah di situasi kayak gini, dan gue ngerasa gak nyaman. Gue jarang tenang. Gue bakalan balik brutal lagi, tapi gue nggak suka kayak gitu. Gue sedang jadi orang yang baik dan bahagia.
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Is it all? Is it all? Is it worth? Have it ended? Why can't I feel it? Why it passed so fast? I even never recognize that I'm alive. Nobody knows me. Nobody's with me everytime I'm sad. Or happy. No ne would care about me. When I'm dead, I'd be just dead. No one would cry. Nobody would longer be there.
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This is the time. I can't stand it anymore. I'm not a strong girl who can bear all the pain, the fear, and the blood all of her life.
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Emptiness is killing me. Hits my face like the moon crashes the sun. I gotta run, pick my gun, and shoot everyone. Kill everyone I know. Ask them to end this show. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.. Fuck life. Fuck hope. Fuck liars around me. Fuck friends, Fuck noise. All I need is some comfortable place. And maybe some stairway to heaven. So I could ran above there and meet God. I want God to slap me. I want to feel the pain. I wanna see my blood again. Or should I ask my dad to kill me now? They'd be glad to.
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I don't even understand this. Kenapa menjadi asing di tengah manusia begitu anehnya? Kenapa gue nggak terima aja tanggapan orang-orang atas apa yang ada dalam diri gue? Kenyataannya hidup ini milik gue. Otak ini, badan ini, gue yang punya. Atau, gue marah? Atau, gue kesepian? Atau, gue cuma lagi bermain? Sesimple itu? Nggak.
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Jiwa gue yang mau gue begini. Jiwa gue yang mau bahagia dengan ngebuktiin ke ayah gue, nyatain sama orang yang udah ikutan ngedorong gue ke dunia ini itu, bahwa gue bukan sampah yang dia bilang. Bahwa gue yang selalu nyari apa itu bahagia, sedang memprediksi betapa bahagianya gue nanti bila dia yang sampe minta maaf ke gue, udah ngomong begitu. That's all?
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Mungkin Tuhan ngebiarin gue hidup untuk ngerasain momen sekali seumur hidup ini.. Mungkin Tuhan pengen nunjukin ke gue, gimana rasanya kembali disayangi orang-orang yang pernah pergi.. Disayangi orang-orang yang selalu nyakitin gue.. Dan ngebangkitin rasa sayang yang akhirnya keluar dari kotak hati gue.. Bahwa gue akhirnya punya orang yang gue sayang dan akan selalu sayang sama gue.. Yang selama ini gue cari-cari. Dimana-mana.....
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It's almost dream. Rainy dream.
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Begitulah, seseorang yang pernah pergi. Begitulah, ketika ia kembali..
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Danke, God. For everything.